#6 - Childhood Fears (I)
“Bye bye! Bye bye!” The adults will pretend to run away as the toddlers scamper hurriedly but awkwardly. I cannot bear to hear parents yelling these words, in a gleeful effort to see their kids bawling in helpless self-defence and plea. Commodity jest at the expense of precious, innocent tears is not funny at all. When I was younger, I possessed an inane fear of being left behind - be it accidental negligence, sadistic humour or intended cruelty.
You may laugh now, but it was a huge issue to me then. During grocery shopping trips, usually to Sheng Siong Supermarket, I was put charge of the bags of goodies in a corner.I distinctly recall waiting outside the medical hall just next door, literally being seized by dread and allowing panic to propel my imagination. My worst nightmare being left to wait there forever, laden with bulging bags of groceries, tears brimming in my widened eyes. Likened to a giraffe, I'd crane my neck to witness their return, just so that my mind could be spared another second's agony.
As I progressed to greater heights in mental visualization, yet not in intellectual maturity, I began to formulate almost-credible situations in which I could be left behind. Plans were devised in case my fears materialized, and fresh fears arose to conquer my newfound relief. Since I grew taller and stronger over time, I concluded I would slowly walk back home with all the goods, at the very worst. Then the moment of reckoning arrived. The very worst scenario I could ever envision was that my family will be entirely wiped away from the memories of this world. I would try to go home yet I could never reach it. I would be rendered kinless and left to fend for myself, and everyone else will be in a huge conspiracy together against me.
I had absolutely no solution to this self-inflicted trauma. At such a supposedly-innocent age, one could hardly regard this as normal. How can anyone of age ten possibly not be traumatized by such? I used to have repetitive nightmares like these, and I would cry at night because I detested these notions. Then came the refusals to go grocery shopping,due to certain extents of extreme paranoia. So, please do not make kids cry with threats to leave them behind. It is extremely upsetting.
You may laugh now, but it was a huge issue to me then. During grocery shopping trips, usually to Sheng Siong Supermarket, I was put charge of the bags of goodies in a corner.I distinctly recall waiting outside the medical hall just next door, literally being seized by dread and allowing panic to propel my imagination. My worst nightmare being left to wait there forever, laden with bulging bags of groceries, tears brimming in my widened eyes. Likened to a giraffe, I'd crane my neck to witness their return, just so that my mind could be spared another second's agony.
As I progressed to greater heights in mental visualization, yet not in intellectual maturity, I began to formulate almost-credible situations in which I could be left behind. Plans were devised in case my fears materialized, and fresh fears arose to conquer my newfound relief. Since I grew taller and stronger over time, I concluded I would slowly walk back home with all the goods, at the very worst. Then the moment of reckoning arrived. The very worst scenario I could ever envision was that my family will be entirely wiped away from the memories of this world. I would try to go home yet I could never reach it. I would be rendered kinless and left to fend for myself, and everyone else will be in a huge conspiracy together against me.
I had absolutely no solution to this self-inflicted trauma. At such a supposedly-innocent age, one could hardly regard this as normal. How can anyone of age ten possibly not be traumatized by such? I used to have repetitive nightmares like these, and I would cry at night because I detested these notions. Then came the refusals to go grocery shopping,due to certain extents of extreme paranoia. So, please do not make kids cry with threats to leave them behind. It is extremely upsetting.
posted by Lady Lazarus at 10:40 AM
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